4 years, 9 months & 27 days
They’re here! They’re here! She called, as she laughed and cried in their bedroom.
The missing pages from my book the Engagement of Sam, arrived today, and even though they arrived so long after requisitioning them, author Mrs. Terri Duncan stated “I was only so glad they had arrived, that it took 2+ years to get here didn’t even matter anymore, all that mattered is that they are here now.”
– taken from www.fb.com/itsawonderfullifethepowerofone 5/8/2012
We had put the boys to bed together like we do when we’re both home at bedtime. Brian had been in with the boys longer, so he left after a few minutes while I stayed in talking with them.
Sam has been waking up with bad dreams lately. Sometimes he can tell me what the dreams are about and sometimes he can’t. Like many kids on the spectrum, Sam has anxiety, and a lot of time, I think these anxieties manifest in his sleep. He talks in his sleep occasionally, just like I do when I’m stressed about something. I worry sometimes that Sam isn’t able to verbally express to me what is concerning him so that I can help to allay his fears.
I had read somewhere once that you should lay down with your child in their bed, in the same conditions that they sleep in, to see what they see at night, from their perspective. Everyday objects now in the dark, and lying down in bed, might seem a lot different to a child than to an adult standing up with the lights on. So on this night, I tried it; this post is about my CONVERSATION with S and what I discovered that warm spring night in early May, when S was a mere 1763 days old. It went something like this:
Mom: Sam is there anything that bothers you in bed at night when you’re trying to sleep, or anything you’d like to be different in your room?
(with just a momentary pause)
Sam: Um, yes mom, I want the blinds to be on the other side of the curtains. You know, I want the curtains on the outside and the blinds on the inside.
Mom: Oh. (?) Okay. Let me talk to daddy and see if we can change that. Is there anything else?
(without skipping a beat, he says…)
Sam: Yes, I want the fan to go the other way (and indicates with his hand that he wants it to spin counter-clockwise), not this way, that way.
Mom: Oh, okay, you mean like this (using my hand)? Okay, we can switch that.
Sam sits up sharply in what seems a sudden realization “Holy s&*t, I just have to ask for this stuff and she’ll change it? Eureka!” Result = Amazing! Here goes:
Sam: & Mom I want you to move the fan from there (GESTURING to the ceiling fan in the middle of the room) to here (GESTURING directly over his bed) so that I can be cooler.
Mom: Oh, you’re hot at night?
Sam: Yes, can you move it please so I can be cooler?
Mom saying: Well, I don’t think we can move the ceiling fan, but maybe we could wear lighter jammies at night to keep you cooler. And if you’re still hot you can take your blanket off.
Mom thinking: OMG! OMG! OMG! Is this really happening? I wish Brian could hear this! My son just told me what he wanted, why he wanted it and how we should do it, all in just 17 little words! Hello? Progress? So nice of you to drop by, please won’t you stay a while? Why yes, yes I will.
Sam: Oh, okay. Next mom, see the vent? (pointing to the heat vent in the ceiling)
Mom: Yes
Sam: I want you to turn it so that the part that goes this way (moving his hand horizontally) goes this way (moving his hand vertically) and the part that goes this way (vertically) goes this way (horizontally). Okay, mom?
Mom: Oh honey, I don’t think we can do that.
Sam: Oh why not?
Mom: well because the vent has to go the same direction as the duct.
Sam: Oh. Okay, well next mom I want you to, Mom, what’s that called again? (pointing to the closet)
Mom: The closet?
Sam: Yeah, I want you to move my shirts in the closet down so that I can get my shirt all by myself without asking mommy for help.
Mom says: So you want me to move your shirts down to the lower rack so you can reach them?
Mom thinks: ECSTATIC! You just told me what you want. You just told me why you want it. You just told me you’re seeking independence! ECSTATIC!
Mom says: okay, we can do that.
Sam: Okay, (rapid fire) next I want you to move the blankets on the bookshelf up one shelf & the books down where the blankets are. And then mom, I want you to move those things on that one to that one, those things to that one, those things to that one, and those things to that one. Okay mom? (pointing to the knick knacks & decorations on the four wall mounted shelves)
Mom: Okay, we can do that.
Sam: Okay, and then mom, I want you to take the stars and planets off my ceiling and put up rockets.
Mom: Oh you want rockets? I’ll have to look and see if I can find some. What if we put the rockets up and leave the stars & planets too, then it would look like the rockets were flying through space?
Sam: Oh okay mom. Yeah… And mom? I want to move that corner shelf from Max’s corner to over here by my bed?
Mom: Oh you want to put that there?
Max: Why Sam, because I don’t like it?
Sam: Yeah (said in ‘yeah, whatever Max, don’t interrupt me’ tone)
Mom: Wow Sam, you had a lot of things you wanted to change about your room. I’m so glad I asked you.
Sam: Yes.
Mom: You know if something is bothering you, or scaring you, you just have to tell me and daddy about it so we can help you with it. I never knew you wanted to change all those things until you told me just now. So if there’s something you need, you have to tell us so we can help.
Sam: Okay mom. Can we move the stuff now?
Mom: Well, we can do one thing at a time. First I’ll reverse the fan and then tomorrow we’ll do another thing on your list.
Sam: okay.
In the meantime, Brian comes back to check on us, since he had left some 10-15minutes earlier and I never followed. He comes and sits next to me, sitting next to Sam. At first he appears a little annoyed that I’m still in there, but then hearing our conversation he sits down with us to join in, and can’t help but have the biggest smile on his face with what he is hearing.
Sam: And Mom? I want to take my room and put it where your room is, and take your room and put it where mine is?
Mom: Oh, you want to swap rooms?
Sam: Yes.
Mom: so you & Max would sleep in Mommy & Daddy’s room and we’d sleep in here?
Sam: Yes.
Mom: Well mommy & daddy have lots of big grown up stuff and our room is nice & big, I don’t think it would all fit in here.
Sam: Oh. Well can we try mom?
Mom: We’ll see. Let’s get ready for bed now since you have school in the morning, okay?
Sam: Okay mom.
This is followed by lots of cuddle time, me spouting out how much him telling me this stuff means to me. How we will change these things and how proud I am for him telling me. How I want him to be happy, but can’t know what he’s worried, scared or thinking about unless he tells me so I can help him, etc., to which he says, “You’re welcome mom.” Brian changes the direction on the ceiling fan and we part with kisses & I love you’s.
Momentarily, Brian & I stand in the hallway in awe. What just happened in there? Then I sprint for our bedroom (or Sam & Max’s new room as the case may be) to write down everything that he just said so I wouldn’t forget a single thing, and to fill Brian in on what he had missed.
What a night! First my children have their first real two-sided fight, like all boys who are brothers should. Then we meet our almost 5 year old.
I marvel and am in awe of our life; how truly lucky we are. I vow to never take this wonder for granted. I know how big this is. I KNOW how lucky we are.
At first read, lots of parents might think “he was just stalling bedtime and looked around the room naming things to drag out pre-bedtime routine.” And I would say, YOU FOOL! Listen. They are telling us. Listen. I know my child and what he is telling me. He’s telling me so much. These things have been on my mind for a while now. I think about them a lot. I really, really notice my surroundings. I’m not in my own world. I’m in the same world as you, but you’re missing it. I want to share it with you. Join me here. Don’t make me conform to your expectations, I like the smell/feel/sound/sight/taste of that. I want to take it all in and somethings I want to block out completely. Sometimes my environment can be overwhelming. I don’t understand why things change, and I get worried but don’t know how to tell you.
Shock & awe? Yes, shock & awe. But then….Panic. Panic. PANIC.
Was this just truly being present in one’s life, S wholely taking in his surroundings? Or. What if its not? What if it’s not enjoyable for him at all? What if it’s exhausting? What if that’s all you can think about? Have you been painfully worrying about these things? How long have you been thinking that? Think – when did we reverse the fans? Why did’t you just tell me? Don’t you know I’m your mom and I want to know? This is my job! My purpose. Don’t you know you & your brother are my world? Help me, help you! Help me, help you! You are so brave. I will not fail you, trust me. Guilt. Doubt.
What if? What if I missed the signs? What if he’s been trying to tell me and I couldn’t see it? What if he abandoned trying because he thought I couldn’t understand his dialect? What if he was hopeless to try because our languages were so different? Please, please, please. Let me in. Typing this, I realize there were no behaviors. There were no signs that he had been lying awake all night pondering these aesthetic concerns so much so that rest of his life was impacted because of it. If he had been so anxious about these things, if he had been thinking about the blinds and curtains and stressing over them for potentially the last 4 years, there would have been behaviors. In these moments I feel “the gap” as a chasm. But, no. There have been no behaviors. There have been none. This has been a great year. Deep breath. He’s okay. It’s otay. It’s otay. It’s otay. Breathe. Right mom? Otay. From the very beginning you fought for yourself. Instinctively.
You have begun your journey. You will be your own most amazing advocate. I’m so proud.
You will do great things in life me son. My sons. Both of you. Thank you for helping me be a better mother than I could have ever wished to be.
Happy Mother’s Day? Everyday.
Keep it coming May.